You wake up every morning feeling dread. As soon as your eyes open that feeling is there in your stomach. You have a full day with them on your own. That’s the first thought. Followed by ‘and I won’t cope’. It’s terrifying.
You look at your sleeping partner and your are instantly full of resentment. It’s like bile rising up in your throat. he gets to leave. He gets to still have a life. You look at the sleeping baby and you love him so much you feel sick with worry, asking yourself over and over Am I doing this right? Then major guilt that sometimes you want to run away. back to your old life.
You get up and shove on yesterdays clothes. Hair goes up. No time for makeup. You used to love makeup. You catch sight of yourself in the mirror and don’t recognise the women in the mirror. She looks broken.
She hasnt slept properly in weeks. Even when the baby is asleep you still can’t sleep. You can’t turn off the thoughts.
You go downstairs and the house is a tip. It feels like its a visual smack in the face of your failure. You hold the baby as your partner leaves and wave and smile and say ‘wave bye bye’ but inside you are screaming. You now have 8 hours to fill. 8 hours to feel lonely. 8 hours to feel like you are going crazy. 8 hours to feel like you can’t do this.
You need help but you are scared. Scared to admit that all is not well. Scared of what will happen. Scared.